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Submitted on
January 28
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KY is
used as Chap Stick
it will taste of blood
and plastic

the burn of coffee
is what keeps me awake
sleep is a poison
your tongue
is the antidote

freckles on floors
and dimples in bricks
are similar to the ones
on your cheeks.
REVISED VERSION AS OF 2/24/14

(c) meldickinson, Melanie Whithaus 2014

:iconthewrittenrevolution:

Does it flow?
Are the last lines too choppy and out of place?
It feels like it's missing something. What more should I add?

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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I remember having been a fan of your poetry, but it's only recently that I've actually gotten around to reading your newer stuff (I'm a little disappointed that I can't find any of your older stuff, but I digress)

I am tempted to give feedback, but I'm not sure if I'm interpreting it the right way; my mind lives in the gutter and I sometimes see innuendo where there is none. I don't even know if I'm even seeing it in the same light as some of the other commenters.
Before I continue and potentially make a huge trainwreck of things, go ahead and point out whether I'm on the right track or not.
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:iconmeldickinson:
meldickinson Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2014  Student Writer
im flattered that you enjoyed my old poetry. it's still around, just not on dA. im trying to start over fresh with a new-ish style. 
i wanted this account to grow with my style, so i deleted my older stuff that i felt no longer fit me. 
as for this poem, its entirely sexual, so youre on the right track XD 
i would love to hear your thoughts not matter how strange you may think they are :meow:
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:iconalphabetsoup314:
alphabetsoup314 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
From what the other comments are saying, it looks like you've changed your smile to your cheeks. I like this change. If a reader was confused by the euphemism of 'smile' before, your smile would not have added anything new for them; your cheeks, on the other hand, not only adds a new dimension to the imagery, but it also helps to bring up the image of either cheeks on the face... or butt cheeks. It's helped along by dimples in bricks, which is less evocative of the dimples that result from a smile, and more evocative of skin pores, or perhaps something like cellulite. Clever change there. So I would say, no, the last two lines are not out of place. I would also say that it feels finished, but I'm of the opinion that it's up to the author on how much he/she wants to say. 

I liked the first stanza; it clued me in that the poem wasn't just talking about the smile of the mouth. 

Flow-wise, I feel like the second stanza changed the POV in a confusing way. From the other two stanzas, I got the idea that the speaker was the one giving head, but this stanza suggests the opposite. Unless you were trying to imply that it was going both ways, in which case, mission accomplished. 
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:iconmeldickinson:
meldickinson Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014  Student Writer
wow. thanks so much for the critique :meow:
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:iconilyilaice:
ilyilaice Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2014
i like how this is just a fragment, but it makes me curious, like i want to know more.
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:iconmeldickinson:
meldickinson Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014  Student Writer
thank you for the comment :glomp:
Reply
:iconwakip:
WaKip Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014   Writer
-Does it flow?
I feel, though your structure is strange and a bit odd, that this flows rather nice after the second read. The first and second stanza were a bit rough the first time around, and I feel the semi-colons really help later on with making it have a slight pause in my mental reading. The only problem with the first is that I was given that pause when I felt it wasn't a proper pause. I think in the end your poem is going to naturally be a "better read the second time" poem, as I cannot think of any way to fix this problem without butchering it.
-Are the last lines too choppy and out of place?
Not at all. I felt the descent into longer stanzas really helped out your flow. It's odd, but works.
-It feels like it'd missing something. What more should I add?
Nothing. It is fine at the length it is. I love short poems. I think you'd ruin it if you continued on. You got your point across and you did it beautifully. You are fine on that.
....
I loved this. I honestly did. I like it more every time I read it. Good work and keep it up :>
Reply
:iconmeldickinson:
meldickinson Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014  Student Writer
thank you very much! im glad you liked it, but i did some major revisions so hopefully you enjoy the new version of it :)
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:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014
:iconthewrittenrevolution: 

The idea I get out of this is a bit disconnected, like the things you say are separate and don't really relate to each other. Especially the "burn of coffee is what keeps me awake" stanza, because the rest relates to the cut lips (although "crude smiles" doesn't relate to that a lot either) but that I don't understand.

I think you need to expand on the idea a bit more, and connect all the pieces more. :heart:
Reply
:iconmeldickinson:
meldickinson Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2014  Student Writer
thank you very much for the comment and critique :)
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